ASSIGNMENT #007: Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

I’m going to forgo the writing the entire plot of this film and just link to Wikipedia’s plot description. Just for this film alone because this is the film that almost made me stop this 007 in 23 completely. Why not type out the plot description? This tripe is not even worth wasting space to detail the plot. I’m going to get very unprofessional in this article, so you have been warned because this is one of the worst films I have seen.

Okay, fine, a very quick plot synopsis Blofeld is back with duplicates of himself with Connery back as Bond. He is searching for diamonds Blofeld needs to create a high power laser above the world to destroy the world and gain supremacy  Along the way, every trope you love about James Bond gets destroyed and broken in front of your damn eyes. Everything about this film is just wrong. The plot, the side characters, the chases, the action, the bloodly Bond Girls. Thunderball, while boring and a mess in itself, didn’t do this much damage to the series. Where do I even begin? I’ll start with the characters.

Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd, played ever so poorly and miscasted by Bruce Glover and Putter Smith, are terrible. Tommy Wiseau in The Room has more emotion and intimidation in a single frame than any of these two ever had in their life and all while being a horrific stereotypes of homosexuals. Their mannerisms and delivery is one to rival half the cast of Uwe Boll’s Bloodrayne. Even when they try to seem the least bit interesting, one of them has to ruin the moment with a stupid smirk or wink.

If a blow up doll could be an actress with zero emotion and talent, Jill St. John would be that blow up. No doubt about it, the woman is beyond gorgeous and probably a joy to be around, but my dear sweet baby Jesus, who did she blow to get this part? Every line and inflection is the same exact same emotion which is “I’m getting a paycheck to show myself off regardless so let me sleepwalk this all off”. She had to be the 70’s equivalent of Jessica Alba and it shows.

Charles Gray as Blofeld looks and acts as if he is Mrs. Doubtfire that acciddently stumbled on set. He isn’t menacing, he isn’t villainous, and he isn’t the Blofeld that Telly Savalas and Donald Pleasence made great in their own way. He adds nothing new and plays him like he is getting the same paycheck St. John got. It is just nothing to go on with him. Not just him or the ones I mentioned, but every person is awful and miserable in this film, with the exception of Desmond Llewelyn, Lois Maxwell, and Bernard Lee who have little screentime and manage to get away without any terribleness.

Which leads me to Sean Connery…I sorry to do this, but not even he could save it. He just looks like he also did it for the money and doesn’t care for the role anymore and this is his final send off as Bond (in a EON production anyway). What a terrible way to go out on such a lame feature. Hell, not even if Lazenby was still in the franchise could he save it.

The moments in this film are terrible and utterly forgettable. Vegas is forgettable  the moon buggy chase is a bland mess, the destruction of weapons and a submarine with a high power laser is pure utter crap. The plot is slow and boring thanks to a snail pace that makes Thunderball look like The Fast and the Furious. Every henchman and mook he fights isn’t worth a mentioned. Nothing could save this movie, except the theme song.

Shirley Bassey is back to deliver a fantastic theme that when even taken out of the film, it works even better. I love it and ranks as a favorite theme of mine.

Overall, Diamonds Are Forever is forever one of the worst films I have ever, filled with bland moments, terrible performances from nearly everyone, and a plot that nears ridiculousness that even the franchise would have no to, but didn’t. Save it if you have the collection of all the films just to have it as part of Connery’s film, but if you are one who is watching the series for the first time, don’t even bother watching it.

Assignment Status: 1.5 out of 5

In the next mission, Roger Moore comes in to replace Connery as the new Bond to bust a heroin drug ring from Harlem drug lord Mr. Big. In a film featuring pimpmobiles, voodoo, afros, a young Jane Seymour, and the most badass theme songs to a Bond film, it is time for Bond to move away from SPECTRE and move into more stranger plots.

Next Mission: Live or Let Die

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